It is the weekend, so the children are sleeping in... Thank You for small Blessings! I proceeded to make breakfast, same as every morning. But this morning I felt a little uneasy. I felt a little flutter in the pit of my stomach... no I am not expecting my eighth child; this is different. The kind of feeling you get when there is some uncertainty in your life. Like when you are waiting for health related test results or when you and a loved one had a huge blow up that went unresolved for a week. A sort of somber feeling, a feeling that I could not shake. My day continued... cleaned up breakfast; worked out; yelled at the children for not cleaning up AFTER I just yelled at them for not cleaning up! The feeling in my stomach was making me feel a bit shaky.
As the day progressed, I felt the need to make LOVE to my husband as I often do when I want to feel better about something. I needed his comforting touch. I wanted him to make IT better. What ever IT was, IT was getting stronger and needed some further attention. But I don't have time... I have seven children I thought, so I proceeded with my day. Lunch came and went. Nap time came and went. Homeschooling came and went. The children came and went. But that nagging tug at my Spirit stayed. At that point I know it was time to examine and nurture this feeling, the same way I would do if Elias or Sage were crying and couldn't communicate why. So I turned Within through Meditation and Prayer and what I uncovered scared the CRAP out of me, more than I could understand.
You see, only a few days prior Tony and I went to visit our neighbor across the street. We've lived across from this young Hispanic family for 7 years. The husband works very hard to provide for his family and generously gave us fresh Mrs Baird's bread for a year straight. The mom used to be a stay at home parent of three until recently, when she started her own cleaning business, once her youngest went to Kindergarten, like my Skye Their son is the same age as Makayla, 10 and has the same fierce competitiveness that exist in my Xavier. Their oldest daughter is same age as Sa'mya; her, Makayla and Sa'mya are best friends and have been since day one. Their children ran all through our house and our children ran through their house. They had tea parties; attended each other's birthday parties; had sleep overs; exchanged friendship jewelry and had fights only to make up again.
Why is this attached to the growing pit of feelings in my gut? Because the reason we went to their house was to confirm what our children had told us about them a month before, that the oldest daughter has STAGE FOUR OVARIAN CANCER and had surgery "and had to wear cute hats" because she was losing her hair. As Tony and I walked, we whispered to the Universe over and over "I hope its not true".
We rang the door bell. I had goose bumps. Judging by the look on her mother's face, it was confirmed. Her mother told us all about how they found it, what procedures she had done, and what to expect ahead. (I will not give the details here) SAD. MY HEART BROKE.
Anyone who knows me, can guess what I said next. How can I help? What can I do? THEN, I repeated to her, "NO MOMMY GUILT!" By the tears in her eyes, I knew she NEEDED to hear that.
We wished them well, and walked silently down the sidewalk back to our driveway where our 7 children waited patiently in the truck; we were having a family day out. All 9 of us had humbled Spirits for the rest of that day and something was different in all of us from that moment on.
A few days later I am here with this foreign feeling in the pit of my stomach, with numerous days going by since we found out the horrible news. Back to my meditation and prayer. Not enough. I needed a deep meditation, so I went for a walk. I started to cry. I cried not only for a young girl having cancer, but for everything I ever did or said "wrong" to my children. I cried for everything I did "wrong" while I was pregnant with them; for every time I contemplated abortion. I cried for every time I said "not right now" or "later" when they wanted to show me something. I cried, because I was afraid that, my young neighbor could be any one of my 7 children. I was afraid that one of those tons of times that I told my daughter she was alright when she said her stomach hurt. Or when I looked in my sons eyes and he looked sick and when I asked how he felt, he said fine and I didn't look into it any further. I cried about when I left them with my mom for 2 weeks while Tony and I went to Europe. Or when I went to hang out with my friends while Tony stayed with the children.
Now I know what that monster of a feeling in my gut is... fear. And regret. And guilt. Oh man, I am really in trouble! I am doing exactly what I told my neighbor not to do. For days this ill concoction of guilt, fear and regret was churning inside my Mind, Spirit and Body and I was so IDENTIFIED with it, that I didn't even recognize it.
I came home after a long meditative walk; again wanting to be comforted by my husband, so I went to make love (luckily he loves me that much to know when I need him).
You see if you made it this far in the post; you may think this is totally about a little girl having cancer. Well that's right and wrong. Right, because as devastatingly as it is the fact remains that this BEAUTIFUL young girl is in chemo recovering from cancer. Wrong because it's more about the mental illnesses called FEAR; called REGRET; called GUILT.
We rang the door bell. I had goose bumps. Judging by the look on her mother's face, it was confirmed. Her mother told us all about how they found it, what procedures she had done, and what to expect ahead. (I will not give the details here) SAD. MY HEART BROKE.
Anyone who knows me, can guess what I said next. How can I help? What can I do? THEN, I repeated to her, "NO MOMMY GUILT!" By the tears in her eyes, I knew she NEEDED to hear that.
We wished them well, and walked silently down the sidewalk back to our driveway where our 7 children waited patiently in the truck; we were having a family day out. All 9 of us had humbled Spirits for the rest of that day and something was different in all of us from that moment on.
A few days later I am here with this foreign feeling in the pit of my stomach, with numerous days going by since we found out the horrible news. Back to my meditation and prayer. Not enough. I needed a deep meditation, so I went for a walk. I started to cry. I cried not only for a young girl having cancer, but for everything I ever did or said "wrong" to my children. I cried for everything I did "wrong" while I was pregnant with them; for every time I contemplated abortion. I cried for every time I said "not right now" or "later" when they wanted to show me something. I cried, because I was afraid that, my young neighbor could be any one of my 7 children. I was afraid that one of those tons of times that I told my daughter she was alright when she said her stomach hurt. Or when I looked in my sons eyes and he looked sick and when I asked how he felt, he said fine and I didn't look into it any further. I cried about when I left them with my mom for 2 weeks while Tony and I went to Europe. Or when I went to hang out with my friends while Tony stayed with the children.
Now I know what that monster of a feeling in my gut is... fear. And regret. And guilt. Oh man, I am really in trouble! I am doing exactly what I told my neighbor not to do. For days this ill concoction of guilt, fear and regret was churning inside my Mind, Spirit and Body and I was so IDENTIFIED with it, that I didn't even recognize it.
I came home after a long meditative walk; again wanting to be comforted by my husband, so I went to make love (luckily he loves me that much to know when I need him).
You see if you made it this far in the post; you may think this is totally about a little girl having cancer. Well that's right and wrong. Right, because as devastatingly as it is the fact remains that this BEAUTIFUL young girl is in chemo recovering from cancer. Wrong because it's more about the mental illnesses called FEAR; called REGRET; called GUILT.
These 3 Dis-Eases are responsible for unhealthy parenting and overall unhealthy living, especially in mothers. I couldn't focus on anything but those negative feelings and had I been aware, I would have realized I was thinking them too. The longer I tried to ignore them the worse I felt. Imagine ignoring those dreadful feelings for months or years. Eventually, actually rather quickly, they will smother you and will cause mental AND physical Dis-Ease, without a doubt. If you are not Whole or at least attempting Wholeness, you cannot reach your fullest parenting potential.
Fear is sometimes well disguised as other seemingly "normal" responses, actions and behaviors.
We may call it being cautious or thinking "it" (WHATEVER "IT" IS FOR THE INDIVIDUAL) through to the end, but never reaching the end because you keep finding ways to think about "it". It keeps the thought, which is usually negative, alive. We can't make decisions out of fear of making the wrong choice. Mothers often do this when trying to please their husbands or Structured Religion restrictions instead of doing what's best for the child(ren) or themselves. Fear keeps us from our best selves and reaching our fullest potential.
Regret. Why did I move here? Why did I become a stay at home parent? Why did I send my child to public school? Why did I cheat on or hit on or lie to my spouse? Well the are the decisions you made and actions you cannot change now deal with them and let go. Own them. Look at the glass half full and ACCEPT them. And move on. Regret like fear keeps you stuck. It makes it hard to deal with the happenings of life, like my neighbors situation. If she was consumed by.... How she could get her daughter help, or who will take care of her other children, she wouldn't have room for hope and joy in the moments she has right now.
Guilt. This is usually more self inflicted emotion. We feel bad about our actions and reactions. We hold onto the "bad "decisions we made. Which most of the time turn out to be not so bad after all. We allow things like magazine articles, media, the judgment of other mothers, a false sense of reality, and stereotypes, dictate what we are supposed to be doing as mothers. When we do other wise, we feel inferior and feel the guilt of not being the best or perfect. This will spiral us to change things but not in the Spirit of growth but to put out the fire of guilt to "feel" better or right. A lot of times, guilt is the culprit of unhealthy children, because parents will over compensate with sugary treats and toys or allow them to act unruly because there's no discipline, as the result of some guilt ridden feeling. Guilt hinders us from making the best decisions. NO MOMMY GUILT.
Reaching the point where you are okay with your mistakes and shortcomings is a wonderful place to be although it is increasingly more difficult to reach, in the today's media driven society. There are shows trying to "fix" families. We are not broken. Shows that swap mothers between families because the message of women being being overworked and under appreciated is rampant. Stop being afraid to rest and stop adding to a full plate. If we were bred to do everything right, we would. I don't know how my mistakes will affect us in the future and I don't care. I know that I did everything the way it was meant to be done for ME. The future is not Now and the past is not Now; Now is what we have control over and it's Now that matters. Namaste.
If you would like more information on my young neighbors cancer journey or would like to make a donation please visit the link below.
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